Have you been in an internet pile on? It’s not nice. And I know that you’re afraid of it happening to you. One innocent post or comment and your business reputation is destroyed by a horde of keyboard warriors who’ve taken offence or outrage at what you said. It’s real, it’s scary and it’s keeping you and your business small.
It’s easier to tear people down than to build yourself up. It’s quicker, less effort and takes little self awareness, so it’s not hard to see why people do it. Have you heard of tall poppy syndrome? One poppy grows taller than the rest and the other poppies want to chop its head off. You might have seen it online, that person who is continually pulling other people down?
It makes sense, why build and climb your own ladder when you can stand on the bodies of people you’ve torn down?
Here’s the thing though, those people are scared. They are scared that if they actually go for it in their own business they won’t live up to their potential. And they’re very rarely doing better than the people they’re trying to destroy.
I often wonder what their own businesses would be like if they gave one tenth of the energy and focus on criticising and shaming other people. They could be real superstars. But they choose not to be. Because focusing on their own business is scarier. It’s harder. And it comes with far greater risk.
Criticising others is risk free. You’re just pointing out the mistakes of others. You can temporarily bask in the light of their failure. But it’s short lived. And soon you need to find someone else to tear down so you can hit your reflected glory.
Avoiding the attention and the ire of these people means that you’re also invisible to the people you want to work with. The first two years of my business were the hardest. I was trolled, shamed and criticised by strangers on the internet who didn't like who I was or what I was saying. It would have been much easier to stay small and invisible but that was not the life I was trying to build. I was trying to create a new way of life for myself and my family so I had to find a way to keep showing up despite the fear.
Here are the mindset and principles that have helped me be brave and keep showing up online……..
- Their audiences are often far smaller than we imagine
Online business communities can become pretty insular. We are adding connections of people who are like us, and even though there are millions of people using social media platforms our world still says relatively small. But in our heads, it’s our whole world. I have lots of online and business friends and I also have lots of employed friends with regular jobs. They live in the “real world.” Something that helps me keep my feet on the ground and internet drama in perspective is that my “normal friends” have never even heard of these people. They’re well known to me because I spend so much time online but outside of that community, no one knows who they are. I was shopping with my kids and my daughter started hyperventilating because she’d seen someone she recognized as a “well known” Tik Toker. I would have walked straight past them.
Most of these big influencers are a big deal in their own minds and not really anywhere else.
- Stay away from the drama and the people who create it
Some online business communities love drama and they love gossip. They probably also loved Heartbreak High when they were teenagers. A friend of mine once told me “life is drama” and she was right. There’s enough going on in my own life that I don’t need any extra thanks.
- Other people's business is none of your business
The most transformative thing that I’ve learned as a business owner so far is that other peoples business is none of my business. Whether it’s going well or not. What other people do, what they sell or what they say has absolutely nothing to do with me. And reminding myself of that, daily, helps me stay focussed on what I’m doing and what I'm working towards. My goals are my own. My mistakes are my own. My successes are my own.
- Know what you’re here to do
When you have absolute clarity about what you want to do and who you want to work with you’ll become laser driven toward that end. Anything that isn’t that mission isn’t important and doesn’t deserve your time or attention. Have you heard the saying "Energy flows where attention goes"? It means that whatever you focus on you get more of. Spend time with the naysayers, the negative and the detractors and you’ll get more of that. Focus on what you want to help people achieve and how you’re going to help them get there and that's what you’ll get more of.
- Opinions are like arseholes
Everyones got one. I don’t want to see yours and you probably don’t want to see mine. If only more people kept them to themselves unless specifically asked. But feedback can be powerful, if it’s invited and if it’s given with the right agenda. Criticism on the other hand is not useful feedback. Criticism is a statement of negative intent and you can't do anything useful or productive with it. The next time you get “feedback” or criticism try asking yourself these questions…….
“Do I value and respect this person's opinion?”
“Are they doing better than me?”
“Do they know more than me?”
“Do they want to help me improve?”
If the answer to any of those questions is “No” then it's not helpful or useful feedback.
- It’s normal for people to think differently
It's okay if people disagree with you. If you’re not showing up on social media because you’re afraid someone will disagree with you you may as well shut up shop right now. Spoiler alert; someone is going to disagree with you.
I work on the basis of holding my values tightly and my opinions lightly. What I mean by that is what's important to me doesn't change, my values don't change but my opinions are based on the knowledge I have right now and I’m learning all the time so that could change.
If I’m challenged or disagreed with I’m happy to learn and if my opinions or assumptions turn out to be wrong I’m happy to change them, but if I don’t change my opinions, if they’re based on my values, I remind myself that it’s okay and safe for people to disagree with me. I don’t agree with everyone else, so why would they agree with me?
- Curate your own space and build your personalised community
I’ve written enough blogs for executive leadership coaches to know that it’s vital to have a personal advisory board. From a career development perspective that means having people around you that you trust who can help you develop your career. You’d have someone more senior than you, someone who gives honest and straightforward advice, someone who is where you aspire to be. These people feed into your experience, perspective and help you progress. Business owners need the same thing.
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with” Jim Rohn
Who do you spend your time with online? People who are doing better than you? People who are doing the scary things you wish you could do? When I did my Master NLP we learned about modelling. This is where you study a person who has a skill or attribute that you would like. You study their habits and behaviours in an effort to model them and then replicate their success (but as you, not them). Create your own personal advisory board in your business. Find people who encourage and inspire you. If you spend all your time with bitter, negative complainers I put money on it that’s what your future will look like.
- Understand your audience
Know who you are for and who you are not for. Be discerning. Your content is not for everyone which means not everyone is going to like it. If your content starts polarising people that means you’re doing it right. Would you rather be a magnolia painted wall or a striking piece of framed art. No one is talking about the wall. People want to buy art.
- Build your resilience
I once asked a coach “How can I build my resilience” hoping there was a journaling prompt I could do or a breathing exercise. Ha ha! Unfortunately resilience only comes from conflict. But what if you’re trying to avoid conflict at all costs? See my point about the magnolia wall. Sharing and showing up online means that conflict is inevitable but how you respond is not.
Someone once told me that I didn't have to go to every fight I was invited to. If someone disagrees with you you can simply thank them for adding their perspective and move on. Hearing the views and perspectives of others can help you grow and develop as a person and give you a more rounded view of the world, but just because people have different views and perspectives doesn't make you wrong.
Make peace with difference, it's one of the best things about being human.
Finally............
None of these things are a quick fix. I’ve had posts that I’ve felt sick about sharing, content that's bombed and online disagreements with people I’ve never met that I’ve ended up still thinking about for days afterwards. We’re all human. Many of us want to be liked, respected and valued. But the most important thing is that you like, respect and value yourself.
When it comes to your business you are not going to be liked by everyone and if you go out of your way to avoid negativity, criticism or unwanted attention you’re going to struggle to be noticed by the people you want to work with.
Focus on your goals, your mission and your values and remember that you have no control over what other people think, do or say. What you can control is what you think, what you say and what you do - and if all else fails block the fuckers.
I help executive, leadership and transformational coaches grow their businesses by helping them get better at marketing themselves. If you don’t know what to say or how to say it or if you’re struggling to get traction online I can help. I’ll show you how to stand out in a crowded industry by creating clear, compelling marketing messages, and you’ll feel amazing doing it. Book a discovery call here.