2024 was a weird one for me. It wasn’t all bad and it wasn’t all good. Like life, it was a mix of both. The amazing thing about reviewing the whole year is that you get to see the bigger picture. They say you can’t see the picture while you’re standing in the frame. Which is why I think, reflecting on the whole year gives you such a powerful perspective. You can see things you didn’t see at the time either because you were caught up in the feelings or in the thick of the action. Some things went well and some were, it’s fair to say, a bin-fire.
Anxiety is a b$tch
The business took a back seat as I struggled with symptoms of perimenopause, not least of which was anxiety. The anxiety was probably the worst thing about 2024 for me. It would be there as soon as I opened my eyes in the morning, a tight uncomfortable ball in the pit of my stomach keeping me pinned to the bed. Other times it would wash over me like a wave as I lay down to go to sleep. It had no reason to be there, I wasn’t particularly worried about anything and nothing bad needed to happen to kick it off. 2024 was also the year I had my first ever panic attack. Anxiety whispered in my ear that I was no good, that no one loved me and that I had forgotten how to do my job.
Finding the diamonds in the dirt
At times, I ate too much to get some relief and at others, I couldn’t eat anything at all. But I found that anxiety was also a teacher. It pointed out things about my business and my life that were unhealthy, unhelpful and unsustainable. It also shone a light on people who loved me, it brought into focus my strong support network and enabled me to see that I was working with some of the very best clients any freelancer could hope for.
Anxiety showed me that in order to be well I had to slow down, be patient and kind with myself and learn how to love myself. It taught me how and when to reach out and ask for help and it showed me that pulling back and isolating myself made the pain worse, not easier.
Business slowed right down because I slowed down
As I struggled with my emotional health I stepped back from my business. I realised that I had an all or nothing mentality that meant I was either succeeding or failing. I realised that way of thinking doesn’t take into account at least 90% of other possibilities. My business made less money at some points through the year but it wasn’t failing. I was changing shape. My business adapted to my capacity, my availability, my desires and according to my needs. There is a huge spectrum of opportunity, creativity, style and lifestyle between the harsh bookends of failing or succeeding and I have learned to love living in the glorious space between.
I had a good laugh
I was frightened for a lot of 2024 but I was also braver than I’ve ever been. I worried a lot that I wasn’t doing a good enough job. I worried I was letting myself, my clients and my family down. And there were also times when I was extremely proud of myself.
In 2024 I fulfilled a lifelong ambition of stepping onto a stage and making people laugh with stand up comedy. The night of my first gig, over and over in my mind I kept asking myself “Will you get up on stage? Will you do it” and if I’m being honest I didn’t know whether I would or I wouldn’t until the moment the compere said my name and introduced me to the audience. I was the most scared I’ve ever been. And I bloody loved it.
So much in fact that I did it again twice more and I’ve got two more gigs already booked for 2025.
There were highs and there lows and there were canals
I travelled to Venice last year to see the Grand Canal, ride in a Gondola and see the Bridge of Sighs. On the same trip I cried myself to sleep with anxiety and felt inexplicably sad.
2024 was the year my daughter turned 16 and sat her GCSE’s. In the same month I nearly lost my son.
My father had major heart surgery, a lump removed and operations to remove cataracts from both eyes. I was also able to take him and the two kids on a fantastic holiday where we spent 7 days laughing, swimming and eating in Majorca. My youngest had a sickness bug all the way home. I had to mop up vomit on the coach and throw his trousers away at the airport and pray to God he didn’t shit himself on the airplane.
Life is never one thing or the other
It’s rarely all good or all bad. It’s a bit of everything. That’s my experience anyway. Some of it is amazing, glorious, unexpected and beautiful. And some of it is desperately sad, harder than it ought to be, frustrating and unfair. To be alive is to have to face all of it at some point or other.
So I won’t say 2025 is MY year. Every year is MY year. It’s exactly what I make of it. And everything is as it will be. It will be challenging, scary and sad. It will also be beautiful and wonderful too. It will be everything I want it to be if that’s what I decide.
2024 was the year I learned more, loved more and lived more. I intend to keep it up in 2025 for as long as I’m here.